


Favourite Faded Fantasy

by melchixr



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Short Chapters, Songfic, ernst and hans are happy, for like 3 minutes, im so sorry, minor fluff at beginning, oh boy, then they're FUCKED up, then to HELL
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-27
Updated: 2017-02-27
Packaged: 2018-09-27 06:23:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9980237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melchixr/pseuds/melchixr
Summary: Ernst didn’t think that his last day spent at home would be spent in a suit. Or in a graveyard.His father had told him a million times on the car ride there that he wouldn’t speak, even though Mr. and Mrs. Rilow had asked him to. He nodded in silent compliance and just stared out the window until they had arrived





	1. I

**You could be my favourite taste**  
**To touch my tongue**  
 **I know someone who could serve me love**  
 **But it wouldn’t fill me up**

* * *

 

  


“One more,” Hanschen begged, grabbing Ernst before he could open the car door. They had been sitting for half an hour  in the parked car down the block from Ernst's house. And Ernst had been trying to get out for almost ten of those minutes. “Just one more before you go.”

 

“Hanschen you said one more five kisses ago,” Ernst scoffed back. His hair was a mess of waves from the last hour of pulling and fingers running through it. “I really really need to get back to the house before my dad wakes up and sees that I’m gone.”

 

The blond sat back in his seat, nodding to himself. “Okay. Just promise me that one of these days you’ll spend all night with me.”

 

“You know I can’t risk that. My dad would notice eventually.”

 

Hanschen sighed, knowing that it was always just be one of those things Hanschen wanted but couldn’t get. But he wouldn’t let it get him down for too long. If he did that then he’d just be depressed the entire relationship. “Well. Then just promise me one more kiss then?”

 

Ernst leaned across the center console, locking lips with Hanschen one more time before opening the car door. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow, right?” He whispered, lips still touching Hanschen’s.

 

“See you then, handsome,” Hanschen replied as Ernst,  closed the door and hustled down the street. He watched Ernst


	2. II

**You could have my favourite face**  
**And favourite name**  
 **I know someone who could play the part**  
 **But it wouldn’t be the same**  


* * *

 

“Ernst!”

 

Both Ernst and Hanschen’s head bolted up to look at Madame Cerceau, standing before the class in her cardigan and khakis.  “Yes, Madame?” Ernst muttered, his hands still working on tearing apart a little scrap of paper. He was across the room, but Hanschen could still tell he was flushed pink.

 

“Can you please translate the phrase on the board?”

 

Ernst nodded shakily, continuing with a nervous voice. “Une maison n'est pas…”

 

“I saw that, Hansi,” Melchior  was leaning over to whisper in Hanschen’s ears. “I saw you practically bounce out of your seat when she called on Ernst.”

 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the blond muttered under his breath, eyes glued to the board and tried his best to look at neither him nor Ernst, struggling across the room.

 

“Uh huh….sure thing, Hans….” Melchior scoffed and went back to scribbling notes. “You know...You could just tell me if you have a crush on Ernst. Everyone does.”

 

A blush raised to Hanschen’s cheeks before he shook his head like a maniac. “Oh no. Absolutely no. I couldn’t. I’d never.”

 

“Ernst!” Madame Cerceau scoffed, grabbing Hanschen’s attention one more time. As if she had just discovered the fountain of youth. Hanschen looked up with eyes lit up and gaze searching for the owner of the name. “Please try that once more with a soft U.”

 

As the gentle boy continued to recite the sentence, Melchior snickered from behind them. “Oh. Yeah. Sure, Hansi. No crush at all.”

  
“Yeah. It’s not a crush. Trust me.”


	3. III

**No it wouldn’t be the same**  
**No it wouldn’t be the same**  
 **No it wouldn’t be the same**  
 **As with you**

* * *

 

“You okay?” Hanschen asked, the first to break the silence between them. His throat felt raw even though he hadn’t spoken in an hour. He looked over to Ernst, tugging on a hoodie to a college he never even wanted to go to.

 

“Yeah,” the brunette said, still trying to catch his breath and come down from his high. “I’m fine. You?”

 

Hanschen looked around the dark, dingy basement he had snuck Ernst into.  Now that the two were apart, it felt freezing in the small room. With exposed walls and tile floor,  the only things in the underground room where an old couch, an ugly space heater, and a boombox from before they were born quietly playing a Pink Floyd album that was already in there.  “Yeah. I’m doing pretty good...How you feeling?”

 

“I feel….different,” His big green eyes finally looked over to Hanschen, who still wasn’t wearing  any pants. Just a pair of kinda gross briefs  and tee shirt that obviously read : ‘I was expecting this tonight’. But Ernst was still looking at him with such awe and affection that Hanschen hadn’t seen before. There was something different now. Something delicate and beautiful in Ernst’s face.

 

“Bad different or….”

 

“No, no, no,” He assured, a hand moving to Hanschen’s arm. The touch was gentle unlike all that had just unfolded. Hanschen felt the warmth flooding from Ernst’s body to his. It sent a little shiver down his back, the lack of touch really sending him for a tizzy.  “It’s a good different. A really really great different.”

 

The blond giggled, curling up to his boyfriend’s side and taking in all the body heat. He laid his head on Ernst’s lap, immediately demanding that Ernst relax and lay back on the awkwardly sweaty couch. “Before I take you home, just say here for a minute?”

 

Ernst smiled in reply, laying back and moving to stroke Hanschen’s already messy hair.


	4. IV

**You could be my favourite place**  
**I’ve ever been**  
 **I got lost in your willingness**  
 **To dream within the dream**

* * *

 

“And we’ll paint the walls green, not like moss green. Like, an olive green,” Hanschen’s eyes trained on the twenty-five cent bouncy ball he had found in his desk drawer and was now tossing up and down. “And it might look a little ugly but I swear when we put all your art on the walls it’ll look cute.”

 

Ernst scoffed, rolling over  to look at Hanschen, who was still laying on his back in the grass right next to him. “I’m trying to read right now, babe. Why are you still going on about this?”

 

“Because I’m thinking about our apartment when we move in together,” He looked over at his other half with a goofy grin. “We gotta plan it sooner or later. Now, how do you feel about painting our bedroom light blue?”

 

“What makes you think we’ll have money for this? I’m gonna major in art I don’t think we’ll be exactly swimming in cash.”

 

Hanschen set the ball aside now and propped himself up on his elbows. “I’ll tell my dad we’re roommates and have him send me checks because he’ll miss his only son.”

 

“You’ll milk your dad for all he’s got,” Ernst scoffed and went back to his copy of The Tempest. “Whatever you say, baby.”

 

“Well what would you prefer?” Hanschen sat up and scooted ever closer to Ernst, leaning over to absent-mindedly touch his thigh. “As soon as I graduate I’ll get him to get me a job too and I’ll work with him until I can get an even better one and you’ll never have to worry about money once.”

 

The pretty brunette rolled his eyes, going back to reading once more as he continued. “You’ve got big dreams for the future, Hansi.”

 

When he looked up he saw Hanschen lowering himself onto Ernst, crashing down to lay on top of him and grab all the attention he craved. “And you don’t?”


	5. V

**You could be my favourite faded fantasy  
I’ve hung my happiness upon what it all could be**

* * *

 

“It’s not a big deal, Ernie, just take it,” Hanschen pushed the plastic CD case back into Ernst’s hands. “I made it for you so I want you to have it.”

 

Ernst looked around the half empty library, nervousness exuding from his being. “I just don’t want anyone to notice it.”

 

“It’s just a mix CD, Ernst. No one’s gonna notice!”

 

As Hanschen’s laugh ran though the room, Ernst looked down at the CD. The cover was simple. Just a blank piece of paper with ‘ERNST MIX’ on it in sharpie. It was when he popped it open and looked at the inside when he was shocked.

 

“Hanschen, babe, is this a poem?”

 

The high school senior turned a light shade of pink. “Don’t read that. It’s embarrassing!”

 

Nonetheless, He began to recite. “‘To Ernst, my rock and my heart, holding all I have in his hands. Green eyes and gentle touch. An angel with voice of-’”

 

“STOP!” Hanschen whined, hiding his face in his hand. “I’m literally so embarrassed. “

 

“Don’t be, babe. It’s adorable.” he giggled and tucked the CD into his bag. “And it’s our little secret.”


	6. VI

**And what it all could be**  
**What it all, what it all could be**  
 **What it all, what it all could be**  
 **With you**

* * *

The loud, blaring ringtone at midnight woke up Hanschen.  He was shaken at first, unsure as to what was even going on. Then he remembered that his ringtone for Ernst was Bananarama’s Love in the First Degree, which he had set for himself.

 

“Hello? Ernst?” he muttered into the phone. “What’s going on?”

 

Immediately, Hanschen could tell something was wrong. He heard the stuttered, shaky breath of sobs coming from Ernst’s side of the call. His voice came out raw and weak. “H-Hans….H-He found it.”

 

“What?” Ernst? Calm down!” He was suddenly wide awake and full of fear. “What’s wrong, Ernie?”

 

“M-My dad! He f-f-found the CD yo-yo-you made me.”

 

Hanschen felt his heart stop for a second.

 

His head burst into a thudding headache as he spoke in terrified streams of thought. “What? How? Did he read it? Why are you crying? Are you okay? Ernst what happened?”

 

“He found the f-f-fucking CD and a-asked who it as f-from and when I-I-I-I….Fuck…..” He took a deep, shaky breath before continuing. “I didn’t tell him he-e-e hit me and-”

 

“He hit you?!” Hanschen practically yelled before becoming aware of his sisters asleep in the rooms either side of him.

 

Ernst broke down on the other side, sobbing into the phone mic. His noises soon became muffled, as if he had buried his face in a pillow.

 

“Oh fuck. It’s gonna be okay, Ernst. I promise. We’re gonna be just okay.”


	7. VII

**You could hold the secrets that save**  
**Me from myself**  
 **I could love you more than love could**  
 **All the way from hell**

* * *

 

Seeing Ernst in the halls hurt Hanschen more that he would ever imagine. It was already hard enough to see Ernst before and only be able to hang out with him in a group. They’d sit on opposite sides from each other and never cast more than a passing glance and never dare touch.

 

Now, there was nothing. He’d see Ernst walking from class to class, his gaze cast on the ground. His right eye was bruised and black, while the other looked sullen with dark bags underneath it.

 

He hadn’t been sleeping. He hadn’t been texting or calling Hanschen. And he hadn’t been sleeping.

 

Finally, it had gotten to the point where he couldn’t take it anymore. If he had to see Ernst in class or in the cafeteria or anywhere and not run up to kiss him, he’d go crazy.

 

He found his chance in third period, as the bell rang and the entire French class began to pack up to leave. He decided to forgo his backpack or talking to melchior and ran up to Ernst.

 

Ernst was in a red sweater about three sizes to large and he was nearly swimming in scratchy fabric. He looked and acted like he wanted to disappear.

 

“Ernst, babe,” He whispered as soon as he got close enough. The classroom was emptying fast so he had to be quick. “I don’t know why you haven’t been speaking to me but I’m really afraid and I just wanna tell you that I love you and-”

 

“I’m fine.” Ernst bit back with such bitterness Hanschen had never encountered before. “Don’t speak to me.”

 

Hanschen was shocked at first. But he didn’t have the time or energy to be put off. He just continued, even as Ernst refused to look him in the eye. “What’s going on Ernst? Why haven’t you responded to my texts? Why haven’t you spoken to me?”

 

“Because no one else can find out about…...Us.”

 

“No one will, Ernst, I promise-”

 

“Someone already found out, Hanschen!” The frail boy hissed. His voice sounded broken, almost hopeless. “He found out and now he has my phone and he’s not letting me out of his sight and he’s sending me off to Goddamn military school.”

 

“What?! What hap-”

 

“You happened, Hanschen,” And with that, he took off out to the hall and out of Hanschen’s life.


	8. VIII

**You could be my poison, my cross,**  
**My razor blade**  
 **I could love you more than life**  
 **If I wasn’t so afraid**

* * *

 

He was tired of this. Tired of being so scared. Tired of walking through the halls and seeing Ernst on the other side. Tired of never meeting eyes with the boy he had fallen in love with. Tired. Absolutely tired.

 

And he was tired of replaying the last time he saw Ernst in his head over and over. Last time he kissed Ernst. Last time he held Ernst.

 

And his biggest fear was that he’d lose those memories.

 

He found a pinch of solace in the vodka Melchior would bring to him in study hall.  It always came in plastic water bottles that he would pay five dollars a piece for. He’d wait for Melchior to do all the work, slowly placing the bottle into Hanschen’s backpack and then pull the five dollar bill out of Hanschen’s wallet in the front pocket.

 

No words ever exchanged over it. No seconds glances.

 

And Hanschen would wait for the rest of the day, calmly carrying the bottle with him until he got home and tucked it into his sock drawer.

 

He knew he could depend on Melchior. He didn’t ask any questions.  And he could also depend on chugging it all at midnight, scrolling through the old text conversations between him and Ernst, and staring out of his bedroom window into the now stormy sky.

 

He knew Ernst would be leaving after winter break.

 

He knew everything was about to fall apart.

 

He knew that this was the end.

  
And he had never been to afraid.


	9. IX

**Of what it all could be**  
**What it all, what it all could be**  
 **Of what it all, what it all could be**  
 **With you**

* * *

 

The art room was cold. So cold it turned Hanschen’s voice to mist and his fingernails purple. It was probably warmer outside, but he couldn’t be out there. That was in plain sight. If Ernst saw him camping out he’d turn and immediately take off like he always does.

 

So there he sat, almost all of lunch, looming next to the door and watching people walk to and from. None of them ever being Ernst.

 

Then he saw it, the flash of yellow.  The sweater. And he saw it coming right past the door. All alone.

 

Without a moment of hesitation, his hand shot out. Grabbing Ernst by the back of his collar and yanking him into the abandoned and dark classroom.

 

“Holy hell!” Ernst shouted out of shock. As soon as the door was slammed shut behind him, Ernst span around to see Hanschen, pale and shaky, string up at him. His blue eyes that used to hold sparks of life were now a dull grey. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He looked just like Ernst.  “Hansi-Hanschen...What do you want?”

 

The slightly older boy sighed, extending his hands in a gesture of surrender. “Hear me out, Ernst. I thought of something. I haven’t stopped thinking since this all happened. And I think I came up with something.”

 

Ernst finally relaxed, his shoulders dropping and his muscles stopped tensing. “What is it, Hans?”

 

“Listen….Ernst….Run away with me?”

 

There was a pause, shock making the room silent as Ernst stared down at what was now his ex.  “What?”

 

“We’ll run away. I have a car and money and we’ll go out West  until we can find work and we’ll work our asses off and-”

 

“No.”

 

Hanschen suddenly felt the cold again. After weeks of not speaking, he finally got the love of his life alone and talking. And what he got was a no.

 

“What do you mean ‘No’?” He stammered out. “Ernst, you’re all I have. And you’re about to be shipped away to military school! How can you say no?”

 

That’s when the tears began to build up in Hanschen’s eyes. Ernst didn’t say a word, just looked on with a sad, expression, He looked like he pitied both himself and Hanschen. “I can’t just up and run away. I need to finish school. I need to go to college. What about that grand future of yours that you talked about?”

 

“It’s not worth it if I have to do it without you, Ernst,” He attempted to explain to no avail. “Please. Just hear me out and-”

 

“No, Hanschen, and that’s final.”

 

Hanschen Rilow didn’t realize what it really felt like to hurt until then.


	10. X

**Loved is all that bloomed**  
**Always what you did**  
 **Never let someone go or they...**  
 **I ain't never loved like you**

* * *

It would be pussy not to do it.

 

He already walked there in the snow. He already chucked his phone into a dumpster three blocks from his house.

 

Far too late to go back now.

 

He was afraid of pain above all. He’d already been through enough of it. For a few minutes, he worried that the river would be frozen over because of the cold weather. But when he got there and heard the sound of rushing water underneath him and knew that it was just like it had alway been.

 

He was still relieved that at least he wouldn’t hit ice. He actually read that the shock of entering freezing water is the most likely result in all of this.

 

Maybe he should wander home and wait until he was sober to do this.

 

Or maybe he should take on more look over the edge of the bridge.

 

Or maybe he should just hold his breath and take that step.


	11. XI

**I’ve never loved I've never loved**

  
  


Ernst didn’t think that his last day spent at home would be spent in a suit. Or in a graveyard. 

 

His father had told him a million times on the car ride there that he wouldn’t speak, even though Mr. and Mrs. Rilow had asked him to. He nodded in silent compliance and just stared out the window until they had arrived

  
  


**I’ve never loved loved loved like you**

  
  


The casket was closed, as he had expected. Ernst didn’t really want to know what people who drowned in zero degree rapids. But still part of him found the intense need to open it and see Hanschen one last time. He wanted to take the moment to take him all in. 

  
He was worried that he might forget what Hanschen looked like if he didn’t look at him knowing it was the last time. 

 

But the top was sealed so all he could do was lay the white rose on top of the dark mahogany like everyone else. 

 

The crowd was what you would expect. Most were all older people, probably friends of his parents. They all seemed well off, just like the Rilows. 

 

The family was sitting in the front row, all well dressed and holding each other and crying their striking blue eyes out. 

 

A fair amount of the funeral crowd were actually kids from school. All of them were from the group of friends they would always hang out with. All of them were close to Hanschen. His parents definitely knew their son and who he was. 

 

Maybe that’s why they asked Ernst to speak.

  
  


**I’ve never loved**

  
  


“I wish I could find someone else in this world like Hanschen Rilow,” Melchior said, his voice clear and articulate. He stood at the podium, with his knuckles white from clutching the sides with such vigor. “And I wish, above anything else, to find Hanschen Rilow again. And to find him in the everyday things I do so he’ll never be quite gone.”

 

He stepped away, only to let himself break down and begin to cry when those watching began to clap. Thea rushed to his side, hugging him and cradling his face before leading him back to the seats. 

 

Hanschen’s father walked to the podium, his eyes bloodshot but his chin still head high. He was a proud man. He always would be. Even when his only son’s name was on a slab of marble. “Thank you so so so much, Melchior….You were an amazing friend to Hanschen and a beautiful speaker….Thank you for honoring him….” he rubbed his temple and took a deep breath to continue. “Next, I would like to introduce our last speaker. Someone loved so strongly by my son and so treasured by him, Ernst Robel.”

 

Ernst realized he had to stop being so afraid in that moment. 

 

And even as he felt his father grab his arm, he shook it off.

 

And even though he didn’t have anything written or prepared, he shook it off.

 

And even though he was shaking and sweating, he shook it off.

 

“Hi….I’m Ernst Robel and uh…..I was madly and deeply in love with the boy who’s going into the ground.” He stammered out, his eyes cast down to his twitching hands. “And I didn’t have any fancy speech prepared but I don’t think I have to. Because I….I fell in love with Hanschen Rilow without thought or preparation and that’s how I’ll do this too….”

  
  


**I’ve never loved**

  
  


“I met Hanschen freshman year. When I was lost and had no idea who I was. But Hanschen knew exactly who he was. And who I was too. And I’d like to say over these past three years, I slowly learned who I was because of Hanschen,” He looked up for the first time, practically vibrating with fear. He was met with a hundred eyes, staring up at him. Some were shocked. Some were teary. Some were full of joy. He saw Melchior standing in the back with a soft smile and a knowing look. This only encouraged him to keep talking. 

 

“And well….uh…. I miss him more than anything because he was something I’d never had before. He was, to me at least, a shoulder to cry on. He was a beautiful goal for me to reach and the only thing that would make me smile at the end of the day. And he was….my everything,” He felt the words get caught in his throat. And for a moment, he almost thought he was about to break. Then he saw his father, sitting next to an empty chair with his face screwed into a glare. “And he’s what’s on my mind when I go to sleep and he’s the one who broke my heart. But he’s also the one who taught me how to love. And also so many other things I could never have enough time to go into. I have never loved like I love Hanschen Rilow.”

 

He paused. He almost expected to hear yells of outrage or shouts of encouragement. But instead he heard nothing. Just an the tombstones, the foggy sky, him, and the love of his life tucked into a casket beside him.

 

“I wish I took you up on that offer, Hanschen. I’ve never loved like you.”

  
  


**I’ve never loved.**

**Author's Note:**

> OH BOI. this fic was originally posted on my tumblr @melchixr. where the rest of my HELL FICS are.


End file.
